Trust no one.

I've got the mad blues. Feeling so uninspired. All I do is study. What else could I be doing? Also to boy in anatomy group and other students alike. I should learn to ignore the shockingly stupid things that come out of your mouth but I can't. Doesn't your chosen profession demand non judgment? How have you gotten this far in life and what will you become? Stop making excuses for your offensive beliefs. People like you should be banned from society and taken to an island where you will all kill each other with your hate.

I wish I wrote more in here, especially with the start of all these new things, but just haven't found the time or the motivation. Basically med school is a trip. It's a sometimes bumpy sometimes smooth sometimes blast the radio on the open road fun sometimes get so nauseous I need to pull over and throw up bad and always so much traffic and too much distance to travel to pull over and pee busy trip. I need to get a peeshe. There's a lot to learn and a lot to do and that's why I think there should be another year. I mean being in another year of this sounds like it could be horrible, but I don't think it would be. I think if we had the time to learn and internalize what we're reading instead of just crazy insane last minute memorizing the last 30 lectures worth of material, it might actually benefit us in the future. Just saying. It is kind of weird for me to go to such a small school and have only 3 buildings that you always go between. It reminds me of high school in that way but obviously it's not. I am definitely surprised by the amount of douche bags though. What's that all about? I also miss that I can't really walk anywhere. I mean I could but town is like a mile away (which is nothing) but that takes up too much time and then I'm doomed forever!! I just hate being so dependent on my car. I had a crazy dream about driving in the rain and my gas was really low and all these alarms started going off and my car shutdown. I always do let the gas get really low until I absolutely have to fill it up again. That shit is expensive! I need to do that today.... Our home makes me happy because it's ours but all its other issues do not. I still am not understanding how it can be freezing to the point and needing to wear 4 layers of clothes inside and it be the most pleasant day outside. What is going on there? I am so scared for winter. I am never leaving the house. I wish I had more time to spend with M but we do what we can and I'm thankful that she's sticking around. This all sounds like a whiny post, which is what blogs are for, aren't they? But I should say that I am extremely happy to be where I am and learning all these things. Like for example when I was listening to something on the radio and they were talking about all these diseases and their mechanisms etc, I knew exactly what they were talking about and that was a cool moment. I liked M's idea of having a "it's get better" campaign for med students. Also it's fall. My favorite season. Pumpkin everything (especially beer and donuts and coffee), pretty leaves, candy corn, apple cider, comfy sweatshirts, and just the general smell and feel. I love you fall, you make me feel like I can do anything. <3 <3 <3

I can't believe that this time next week I'll be in the new house. I feel so full up with so many different emotions right now. I'm happy that I'm going to be living with my love and that I will begin medical school (say what?). I almost didn't ever expect this to happen. And now that it is all becoming a reality, it is hard to face it almost. While all this excitement exists, I am also scared as hell. I'm scared that I won't do well. What if it's super hard and I don't know anything? I'm scared about making new friends and keeping in touch with old ones. What will my life be like? Will there be time to enjoy it? I just have to keep reminding myself that people do this all the time. And if they can get through so can I. It's certainly not impossible. And I'm signing up for this voluntarily. I mean this is what I want to do with my life. I'm working towards my life goal and that feels so good to say and I'm sure it'll feel even better once I"m actually doing it. Just the initial adjustment will be difficult but so is every adjustment. There are always uncertainties with every new thing that's what adds to the excitement. So I just need to embrace it. Enjoy every moment of it while it's happening. Even if it's the worst day or shit is just hard. Just be thankful that I've been given this opportunity to live my dream of being a doctor and helping others, all side by side with my B. What more could I want? You can do this.

Letting go and moving on is always hard. This might be the easiest one so far though. I know I can always come back. And what I already have to look forward to is all I could ever ask for.

I just want to make a list of everything.

Things I'll miss:
-apartment in Boston and everything to do with it: looking out the window, making coffee and watching tv in the living room, hanging out in the bedroom, all of it
-people: I dont have a ton of friends but the ones I have are good quality (even though right now I am kind of annoyed with some, I still in general have had a good base); I wont be able to just call them up and hang out anymore
-free time: drinking beer, watching tv, going outside, reading, playing guitar, being on the computer, etc
-Boston: the T, the accents, the smells, the food, etc


Things I'm looking forward to:
-living in our first real place together and making it entirely ours; what a gift and how exciting to be able to see each other every day
-learning cool stuff: anatomy and everything about the body down to our cells, how we function and what that means or how to fix it when something goes wrong; fucking amazing that this information even exists and then that we keep it in our heads
-meeting some really cool people: i hope i find those I can connect with as my peers and those that will become my mentors where I can find inspiration to keep me strong


These few words cant express everything going on. But that's just as much as I can say for now. See you on the other side.

Packing Up, Moving On

Tonight I've started taking down everything from the walls. It's like I'm disassembling my life that was 3 years in the making. I'm thankful for the change, but it's always hard to move on. At least I can appreciate the beautiful sky so late at night. I wish all nights would slowly make their way into the dark.

1 week

Is this really happening? I only have one week left at the job I've been at for 2.5 years. I guess that's not really a long time but if you think of my lifespan that's like a tenth of my life.

Things I've enjoyed:
-being able to roll out of bed and get to work quickly
-discount T pass!
-having my own desk
-getting my own dollah billz
-being a vampire
-eating lunch
-nice people

Things I need to remember that I won't miss:
-being the lowest person on the totem pole in relation to all the people I work with and what that translates to
-forever long lab meetings/reports
-mytime
-stupid people
-stupid tasks

It's been real. See you again some day.