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I need to make a movie out of this: The Calculation- Regina Spektor. 

So we made the hard decision

And we each made an incision Past our muscles and our bones Saw our hearts were little stones  Pulled 'em out they weren't beating And we weren't even bleeding As we lay 'em on the granite counter top  We beat 'em up Against each other  We beat 'em up Against each other  We struck 'em hard Against each other  We struck 'em so hard So hard until they sparked

Hey this fire it's burnin'

Burnin' us up

Back

This little trip to Washington was the greatest ever. It was so what I needed and revived so many things in me that seemed to have gotten all muddy and lost in the daily routine of things here in Boston. It was so lovely to see Mash and A and how things will never change with them. Their hearts are so big, you can see it from a distance. Jarns was fun as usual and it reminded me how uniquely hilarious he can make everything. Seeing K was so strange though. It was like a time warp- like we knew all these things about each other but it was also like falling back to the beginning, when everything was surface and fun, except there was no prospect for a development into something better.

I hate the life philosophy that "shit happens, the most you can do is move on". It's a sad resignation to the challenges we feel like we can't handle and instead you should actually fight until the end to preserve what it is you desire. But now I'm realizing that it's not that simple and that at a certain point after you've used every inch of your body, you can't always win. I still don't think that you should give up though, it's just that shit will always happen, but it becomes a part of you. Keeping an open heart and mind to the possibilities, makes it hurt less, and along the way you gather other shit too; until it's the end and you're a giant, beautiful ball of shit and you can reflect back and be thankful for what made you this way.

clean up in aisle 7

I am so fucking goopy and gross, please pardon my mess, but this is just what's on my mind right now.

For me, learning to deal with the fact that love can dissapate so easily is one of the hardest things. I do not want to accept this simple truth and I do not want to confront the active notion of moving on. My heart wants to stay where it is and I can not understand how people have the ability to move themselves on. How they can decide to one day build their life with someone else and disregard everything you had together? Didn't you appreciate the things I did? How I kissed you on the nose when it was time to go, how I had to kiss you before we ate, how I treated you the very best because I was so in love with you? How can you forget those things? I can't forget your sweet voice, your one dimple when you smiled, your distinctive laugh, especially when I was the one who brought it out. Everything. The things I remember are so fucking important and I don't want them to fade, even though I know it's for the better. Why do things have to be for the better and why can't they just stay the way they are? Why can't I find someone who feels the same way I do about these things? Why can't I just love someone so much and not have it crumble to pieces when it gets to be too much? I want the next one to last and to be able to make unbreakable promises. I can not bare to have my heart broken again. It is not something I want to make me stronger. No I want to be weak and I want to be vulnerable and I want to be able to be hurt by you, but to know that you would never do that to me. I want for someone to make me feel I am whole and loved and appreciated and the happiest I could ever be and have them know that they are the most wonderful to me and I will always take care of them and no one could love them more than me, no matter how hard they tried.

It's only a matter of time...

....until we all burn.

Yesterday, going to Nahant Beach with good people in a fun pick up truck with the deep pink and purple illuminating the sky is a night I like to imagine myself in happening in slow motion. Those are the ones that you know meant the most because you never wish they'd end. I hope my whole life happens in slow motion. I want to remember everything and preserve the feelings so at any given moment I can go back and know how good it was.