Miles

Why? Oh why oh why oh why why why? Why must people take something that isn't theirs? What gives them that right? 

Lauren says all my bad luck is taken along with my bike. I don't know if I actually believe that, but it's a comforting thought. She's religious, if you couldn't tell. 

This is my second bike that got taken too. Granted the first one wasn't my fault, but wtf? It makes me feel like I don't appreciate these things. But I do. I so do. Everyday I am so happy that I can bike wherever  I want to without worrying about the hassle of the T or being late by walking. And I am even luckier that I can afford a new one. But it's like I don't even want it anymore. It'll just get stolen again. 

Whatever. I need to stop whining since it's just a material thing and I know so many people can't even afford one in the first place and have bigger problems to worry about. It's just hard when I'm trying to be a good person and this happens. I hope whoever this person is gets theirs someday. 

I wish I could bury him, but this will have to do:

Ode to Miles

Miles. 

Racing down the street in style. 

Bringing me smiles. 

As you take me where I need to be. 

No one will love you more than me.

I'll miss you buddy boy. 

2

Oh freedom. Your subtle scent pinches my nose and your sweet saltiness lingers on my lips. Two more days and then maybe I can taste a little more sweetness on my lips, 'na mean? 

Wao

You know, I'd really like for one of these days to come up with something really profound and poignant that people will read and take a second to mull it over and say wow and then will want to post it somewhere for everyone to see and admire together. Maybe I'll save it for my gravestone.

Different word?

I usually really hate those security things where you have to type in that sort of indecipherable word just so that they know you're not a computer. I mean I guess it makes sense but why can't they just know that I'm not? Anyways, they suck and don't make any sense but I got a good one today: sniff balls

<3

What is my stupid fucking problem? I'm fed up with my heavy heart always lagging behind my already unclear mind, holding me back so that eventually I get too tired of dragging it in my weak arms and instead it yanks me back to where it wants to belong because it doesn't know any better. You can't talk sense into that thing. The scent of the past is too strong for it to resist and it digs it up no matter how deep. 

Also, I want to get the whole book of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close tattooed all over my body so that I can refer to it when all other spoken words lose their meaning, and these truths are the only thing that remain. I'll rest upon these words to keep me afloat.  

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living. In this life, I'm sitting in an airport trying to explain myself to my unborn son...I'm thinking of Anna, I would give everything to never think about her again, I can only hold on to the things I want to lose, I'm thinking of the day we met...We talked about nothing in particular but it felt like we were talking about the most important things, we pulled fistfulls of grass, and I asked her  if she liked to read, and she said "No, but there are books that I love love love," she said  it  just like that three times, "Do you like to dance?" she asked, "Do you like to swim?"I asked, we looked at each other until it felt like everything would burst into flames....................she wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.."

Anymore

I know I have my faults, but what is making this easier is realizing yours. You didn't want the curtains to let in the morning light, and I did. You didn't get excited by the live concerts and shows, and I did. You didn't want to go on walks towards the sunsets, and I did. You didn't care about the subtle sweet things, and I did. You didn't realize how much beauty there was around us, and I did. You didn't even want to be together in the first place, and I did.  And I know you didn't want us to stop talking, but I did. But I didn't want to be let go of, and you did.  

So here we are. 

I'm shedding everything and doing the best I can inch by inch; the winter was long and I just have a lot of layers to get through down to my skin and bones, and tissues and organs. You've taken a lot out of me, but my vessels are still intact, my blood is still flowing, and my cells are still multiplying. I'm still alive. 

Things

Things I hate: 

- the person playing flute somewhere in this building that's leaking to the outside air and making me want to close my windows but the breeze is too nice to give up. Seriously though, who plays flute anymore? 

-the angry taxi cab men outside- why are they always yelling at each other? I like that they are all friends though and it's prob nice to be able to speak together in their language so far away from home

-all this never ending studying; but I know it'll pay off, it's just hard to get through all this material that they expect you have committed to your memory

Things I like:

-my guitar teacher and when he goes off and just plays for like 5 min without even realizing it but he's too in the groove for me to stop him. I wish we could hang out as buds. 

-making plans for the future

-people who actually like their job and provide so sweet customer service like the friendly guy in Johnie's and the hot girl in the  liquor store :) 

-ffffound and all the cute little sayings and fun pics to click on

Things I need:

-fruit

-a bangin body- I'm starting to go to the gym but I hate it in there and the people that go. I just like to find the machines way off in the corner where no one goes. 

-sex 

Things I wish for:

-for people to stop talking about the swine flu 

-get super awesome at guitar and attract people with my skills

-world peace 

May Day

It's the beginning of a new month and it's almost mid year. It feels somewhat refreshing but also so fleeting. A lot is going on right now and as the seasons progress, everything around me changes. 

I know there are much more important matters in this world to be concerned with as compared to how emo I feel right now. But I just need to express myself on here. I know that pretty much Allison is the only one that reads this and I will probably end up making this private but I just have a feeling of wanting to be exposed right now. 

The thought of you kills me. It claws at my stomach, racks at my brain, tears at my heart, and I can't breath. All I can think about is you and him. And what is it like between you two. If you laugh at all his jokes, if you've gotten past the point of not spending the night and actually end up staying the whole weekend at his place, if you lie tangled in bed in the morning talking about your favorite things. And I think about how all that used to be me and I know I will never get it back, and again, it kills me. I want to know if he brings a smile to your face when you think of him, if you write him cute text messages during the work day, if he is all you want to spend your time with, if you think he is amazing. And I want to know how often you think of me, and what do you think about. Do you miss me? Do you worry that I can't make it without you? Do you think that I will come out of this "phase" and that it will get better between us? Or do you think that I just try to hide all this pain and emotion and submerge myself into a world without you so that I can forget everything I ever knew and you'll try to keep yourself in the door but eventually you'll get tired of your repeated efforts only to just get everything thrown everything back in your face? If you thought the last one, you know me better than I give you credit for. I am trying to forget you but it is so hard. If I could just forget what it was like to hold your hand, to kiss your lips, to hear your laugh, to know you were mine, then all this killing would go away and I would be able to breath again. But the greatest downfall as well as the greatest gift of the human mind is that you can't forget. Even when I will overcome these feelings and I wish for these memories to wash away and these truths no longer bear significance, I hope I can at least remember the all encompassing desire I had for you and that feeling of falling into a neverending darkness but knowing you would be my light. It will have been worth it if I can remember that.