'09

This has been a pretty ridiculous year. But that's generally what I end up thinking at the end of every year. I s0rt of like how time has check points so that you can measure and figure out where you are in life.

For this year, things I'm happy about:

-Turning 21 - that's not really an accomplishment, but I am happy to at least be at this age finally
-Graduating college- thank god
-Getting and maintaining a good (debatable) job
-Traveling to the places I did: LA, WA, DC, NY
-Getting over heartbreak while finding new love (that's corny, but it's still important)
-Maintaining the friendships that are important to me
-Surviving crazy accident- that isn't really much an accomplishment either because that was entirely luck, but I am still happy about it

Things to work on for next year:

-Tell fam about things they should know
-Get some more life direction
-Get an EMT job - or really any other job that makes me happy and helps me to be more financially independent/secure
-Travel more
-Continue to maintain friendships/relationship
-Not get hit by cars
-Develop and implement plans to get out of Boston
-Do cooler things in general

Well, I don't think that's too much to ask for. Until next year.

Cotton Crush

1. Cute boy next that sits next to me in class. OMG. His sparkly eyes and his perfectly dishelved hair make me melt. And he always just looks so sullen. Or like he's about to say something but wants to hear what you have to say first. I really hope I get to work on this project with him.
2. Really cute girl that works at a candy store whose smile I can't stop thinking about and maybe that I know as a little more than a friend ;)
3. Guy that I encountered walking home today who dropped his earbud on his headphones today in the grass and I really wanted to help him find it. I just know what it's like to be in that situation. He said he'd be there tomorrow at 7 Am.
4. Obviously amazingly talented guitar teacher.
5. I'm sure there's more, that's just all I can think of right now. This blog should really just be called Neha and her silly obsessions with everyone.

mas

Other things:

1) I love this new book that I've started reading called "Shantaram" which makes me want to go back to India so bad. I'm sort of considering maybe going and living there for a while after I graduate. Whenever I visit I always get a little bit sad that all my family knows each other so well and they don't really know me at all and I'll pretty much always be an outsider among them. That's why I have to work extra hard to make sure that I have a good connection with all these American babies because they know what it's like. I hope that one day maybe we can all get together and live in the same city and go visit India together as a family. That would be ideal.

2) I LoVe the fall. I am reminded of the dewey mornings in the Box with the piles of colorful leaves on the front lawn and the taste of applie and pumpkin pie, and sweat shirts and jeans and being cozy. I want this feeling to last.

3) I'm trying CL again. I crush way too hard and way too easily though and I think I need to simmer down a little before I actually try to do this. We'll see how it goes.

nuevo

I haven't writen in this thing for a while because I'm too lazy. But here's another list of things on my mind that show what's going on:

1) It's September now and I have officially lived in this apartment for a year. That's the longest I've ever lived somewhere since the Box. I like settling myself down and having a place to keep my things but it also makes me extremely anxious that I'm not moving around but I'm still okay because I've accomplished a lot in that time. I think I'll make my cut off at two years and that's it and if I'm not gone by then, I'm going to have to do some serious reevaluating.

2) I hate all the students flowing back into Boston filling the streets, the restaurants, the grocery stores, everywhere. And how you have to see them everywhere you go and looking down at the ground doesn't provide much of an escape. And obviously that is a repercussion of living in the biggest college city in the country but I wish they would all just go away. Or better yet, I need to get the hell out of here quick.

3) I am not looking forward to the initiation of the upcoming semester. I like all this free time and going to work and just being done with it and not having to worry every second of my life about what I need to study for. Just one more and I'll be done and won't ever have to set foot on Northeastern again.

4) I like cable but only as a treat. We were thinking about getting it but I think once I actually owned it I wouldn't appreciate it as much. And I really should dedicate my time to better things than stupid Celebreality. I like Linds' idea about wishing Comcast would give us just a couple extra channels, maybe 5, just to keep us going. That's not asking for much right? Why won't they just let you make your own package? It's not fair.

5) Having accidental sex dreams about people that you encounter in daily situations is weird and oddly a bit empowering. I had one about a co-worker but she doesn't work there anymore so I need not worry about the awkwardness I would feel, so that's nice. I guess it's only weird when you enjoyed it, as opposed to it just being funny and ironic.

6) I've had some good nicknames in my years, but while looking up domain names with Linds, they suggested "nehooha" for me and I really liked that and I hope someone starts calling me that soon and if they do I know we were meant to be.

7) I hate facebook so so so much but I gave in and activated again just because, well I dunno. I think maybe I felt like I needed to get in touch with the world a little more, because obviously facebook is an outlet to the world, but not really. I don't want to talk to anyone or know anything about anyone, but alas, here I am. I just hate how this is actually a good way to keep in touch with people. I guess I don't really like any of my other options either; I'm going have to think about this one.

8) I've accomplished some of the things I had been meaning to on my old list and that makes me a little happy. Look out for a new one soon.

9) I wish I went to the observatory tonight because the moon is full and beautiful but most importantly, I miss Quinn who knows everything about space and is from the south, despite what others may say. I'll go next week.

10) Okay. That's enough for now. Good night and good luck.

Bladder near my eye

I can't sit here and write anything about the type of person you were and what the things I'll miss about you were. But I can say how much your writing has meant to me and how everytime I read through one of your books I get so sad towards the end because I know it's almost over, but only for a second, because it just means I'll get to re-read all my favorite parts again once I start over. And I always think of the Great Bladdered Emer after a large coffee. And the pie in the theater when I'm lonely. And God in the backyard when I take communion (which is never, but you know). My heart warms when I think of you and in my emergency-in-case-of-fire-bag, definitely lies a copy of all the words in the books you've shared with us.

"...I'll never forget this hour on the pier with Horace with seagulls circling for what might comes and ships strung along the Hudson waiting for tugboats to dock them or push them out to Narrows,...Horace offering me another chunk of sandwich telling me I could use a few pounds on my bones and his surprised look when I nearly drop the sandwich, nearly drop it because of the weakness in my heart and the way tears are dropping on the sandwhich and I don't know why, can't explain it to Horace or myself with the power of this sadness that tells me this won't come again, this sandwich, this beer on the pier with Horace that makes me feel so happy all I can do is weep with the sadness in it and I feel so foolish I'd liek to rest my head on his shoulder and he knows that because he moves closer, puts his arm around me as if I were his own son, the two of us black or white or nothing, and it doesn't matter because there's nothing to do but put down the sandwich where a seagull swoops in and gobbles and we laugh, Horace and I, and he puts in my hand the whitest handkerchief I've ever seen and when I offer it back he shakes his head, keep it, and I tell myself I'll keep that handkerchief till my last breath" ('Tis)

Another long one but just too good to not write down:

"Things in shop windows have names I don't know and I don't know how I traveled this far in life in such a state of ignorance. There are florist shops along the avenue and all I can name beyond these windows is geraniums. Respectable people in Limerick were mad for the geraniums and when I delivered telegrams there were often notes on the front door, Please slide the window up and leave messages under the geranium pot. It's strange to stand at a florist's shop on Fifth Avenue remembering how delivering telegrams helped me become an expert on geraniums and now I don't even like them. They never excited me like other flowers in people's gardens with all that color and fragrance and the sadness of their dying in the autumn. Geraniums have no fragrance, they live forever and the taste makes you sick though I'm sure there are people there on Park Avenue who would take me aside and spend an hour persuading me of the glories of the geranium and I suppose I'd have to agree with them because everywhere I go people know more about everything than I do and it's not likely you'd be rich and living on Park Avenue unless you had a profound knowledge of geraniums and growing things in general" ('Tis)

Things that will make me happier

I think I'm probably just having serious pms, but it's wearing me down. And it's hard when I'm not doing anything I like even though I know what the things are that would make me happier. A lot of it is because these stupid classes are taking up my time. But I can still do Things:

-get EMT job ASAP: this is all I ever want to do and I'm so sad I'm forgetting everything. Everytime I see an ambulance go by I peer inside to see who's driving and imagine it being me and then cry a little.

-use as many abbreviations as possible

-explore options for what the hecko do to with my life and plan how to get out of Boston

-volunteer hellza- I really want to be one of those cuddlers that holds the crack babies who don't get no love. And other things too.

-give blood- hurts a lot but I think I'm finally iron sufficient

-paint wall- I have all the supplies and ideas and I just want it to be crazy.

-practice guitar more so I can impress Matt

-make magnets/things out of bottle caps

-make a cover for my new cam

-fix the fuggin toilet so it stops making that noise- but actually the real solution is just get a new one but I have to look into that too

-get craft room all ready: I have some good/fun ideas for this and it'll be so nice when it's not just a shit hole in there

-buy local/organic (oy)

-read all the books I've been meaning to

-stop talking to people I hate hate hate

-continue to abstain from smoking and decrease alcohol intake (the later I'm more willing to bend the rules with)

-get back to work (not going to make me happy but at least I won't get yelled at)

Meh

Please stop lying.

Please stop trying.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm down to my core.

Exposed.

Rotten.

Forgotten.

Trying build up my strength again.

It's all I have left.

Get out of my way.

And let me be.

Stop.

Turn around and don't look back.

The road behind you disappears as you walk away.

No more bucket full of tears,

Grey clouds in my head.

I'm done with the promises.

I'm happy in this empty bed.

I missed 711!

I never think to use this thing anymore. I internalize a lot of what I usually write down these days. Or maybe actually I'm just saying them out loud all the time to my new, wonderful roommates who I have declared as my "love doctors" that I don't need to write anything down anymore. Having them two is a real pain in the ass. (paha jk lindz). It's actually so good to have them there and so relieving to get rid of a certain someone that I knew I would not be happy living with. They are really good with washing dishes, throwing away dead mice (!), entertaining me while I lay on my fat ass in bed, and making me the happiest in the world. They're gone for tonight and I already miss them. I need someone to look out the window with.

Everything else I guess is okay. Summer is slowly emerging which is so nice to be able to load up on the vitamin D. And I guess I've had some semi-major life deviations- I just have to come up with what else I want to do with my life than what I had orginally planned. But I'm okay with that- it's almost kind of nice to have the opportunity to think about what else I can apply myself to. I'd ideally like to start up my clinic in Lesotho and just recruit all my friends to work together, but that kind of seems like it might be acoupla decades down the line...

I still hate some people and still love others. Lauren left too and that's super sad. I hope she likes her new life though and I just have to be happy that I'll have another place to visit and get the hell out of Boston. (Although I'm getting really good at the boston accent these days, see).

I didn't go out and celebrate the holiday today, but that's okay. I'm not sure those things are really worth it. If you offered me a Richie's slushi though, I might change my mind.

Finally, note to self: craigslist is only good for free things and/or stuff no one wants. Meeting people is not included in this category. Okay.

Fav

I need to make a movie out of this: The Calculation- Regina Spektor. 

So we made the hard decision

And we each made an incision Past our muscles and our bones Saw our hearts were little stones  Pulled 'em out they weren't beating And we weren't even bleeding As we lay 'em on the granite counter top  We beat 'em up Against each other  We beat 'em up Against each other  We struck 'em hard Against each other  We struck 'em so hard So hard until they sparked

Hey this fire it's burnin'

Burnin' us up

Back

This little trip to Washington was the greatest ever. It was so what I needed and revived so many things in me that seemed to have gotten all muddy and lost in the daily routine of things here in Boston. It was so lovely to see Mash and A and how things will never change with them. Their hearts are so big, you can see it from a distance. Jarns was fun as usual and it reminded me how uniquely hilarious he can make everything. Seeing K was so strange though. It was like a time warp- like we knew all these things about each other but it was also like falling back to the beginning, when everything was surface and fun, except there was no prospect for a development into something better.

I hate the life philosophy that "shit happens, the most you can do is move on". It's a sad resignation to the challenges we feel like we can't handle and instead you should actually fight until the end to preserve what it is you desire. But now I'm realizing that it's not that simple and that at a certain point after you've used every inch of your body, you can't always win. I still don't think that you should give up though, it's just that shit will always happen, but it becomes a part of you. Keeping an open heart and mind to the possibilities, makes it hurt less, and along the way you gather other shit too; until it's the end and you're a giant, beautiful ball of shit and you can reflect back and be thankful for what made you this way.

clean up in aisle 7

I am so fucking goopy and gross, please pardon my mess, but this is just what's on my mind right now.

For me, learning to deal with the fact that love can dissapate so easily is one of the hardest things. I do not want to accept this simple truth and I do not want to confront the active notion of moving on. My heart wants to stay where it is and I can not understand how people have the ability to move themselves on. How they can decide to one day build their life with someone else and disregard everything you had together? Didn't you appreciate the things I did? How I kissed you on the nose when it was time to go, how I had to kiss you before we ate, how I treated you the very best because I was so in love with you? How can you forget those things? I can't forget your sweet voice, your one dimple when you smiled, your distinctive laugh, especially when I was the one who brought it out. Everything. The things I remember are so fucking important and I don't want them to fade, even though I know it's for the better. Why do things have to be for the better and why can't they just stay the way they are? Why can't I find someone who feels the same way I do about these things? Why can't I just love someone so much and not have it crumble to pieces when it gets to be too much? I want the next one to last and to be able to make unbreakable promises. I can not bare to have my heart broken again. It is not something I want to make me stronger. No I want to be weak and I want to be vulnerable and I want to be able to be hurt by you, but to know that you would never do that to me. I want for someone to make me feel I am whole and loved and appreciated and the happiest I could ever be and have them know that they are the most wonderful to me and I will always take care of them and no one could love them more than me, no matter how hard they tried.

It's only a matter of time...

....until we all burn.

Yesterday, going to Nahant Beach with good people in a fun pick up truck with the deep pink and purple illuminating the sky is a night I like to imagine myself in happening in slow motion. Those are the ones that you know meant the most because you never wish they'd end. I hope my whole life happens in slow motion. I want to remember everything and preserve the feelings so at any given moment I can go back and know how good it was. 

Miles

Why? Oh why oh why oh why why why? Why must people take something that isn't theirs? What gives them that right? 

Lauren says all my bad luck is taken along with my bike. I don't know if I actually believe that, but it's a comforting thought. She's religious, if you couldn't tell. 

This is my second bike that got taken too. Granted the first one wasn't my fault, but wtf? It makes me feel like I don't appreciate these things. But I do. I so do. Everyday I am so happy that I can bike wherever  I want to without worrying about the hassle of the T or being late by walking. And I am even luckier that I can afford a new one. But it's like I don't even want it anymore. It'll just get stolen again. 

Whatever. I need to stop whining since it's just a material thing and I know so many people can't even afford one in the first place and have bigger problems to worry about. It's just hard when I'm trying to be a good person and this happens. I hope whoever this person is gets theirs someday. 

I wish I could bury him, but this will have to do:

Ode to Miles

Miles. 

Racing down the street in style. 

Bringing me smiles. 

As you take me where I need to be. 

No one will love you more than me.

I'll miss you buddy boy. 

2

Oh freedom. Your subtle scent pinches my nose and your sweet saltiness lingers on my lips. Two more days and then maybe I can taste a little more sweetness on my lips, 'na mean? 

Wao

You know, I'd really like for one of these days to come up with something really profound and poignant that people will read and take a second to mull it over and say wow and then will want to post it somewhere for everyone to see and admire together. Maybe I'll save it for my gravestone.

Different word?

I usually really hate those security things where you have to type in that sort of indecipherable word just so that they know you're not a computer. I mean I guess it makes sense but why can't they just know that I'm not? Anyways, they suck and don't make any sense but I got a good one today: sniff balls

<3

What is my stupid fucking problem? I'm fed up with my heavy heart always lagging behind my already unclear mind, holding me back so that eventually I get too tired of dragging it in my weak arms and instead it yanks me back to where it wants to belong because it doesn't know any better. You can't talk sense into that thing. The scent of the past is too strong for it to resist and it digs it up no matter how deep. 

Also, I want to get the whole book of Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close tattooed all over my body so that I can refer to it when all other spoken words lose their meaning, and these truths are the only thing that remain. I'll rest upon these words to keep me afloat.  

"...sometimes I can hear my bones straining under the weight of all the lives I'm not living. In this life, I'm sitting in an airport trying to explain myself to my unborn son...I'm thinking of Anna, I would give everything to never think about her again, I can only hold on to the things I want to lose, I'm thinking of the day we met...We talked about nothing in particular but it felt like we were talking about the most important things, we pulled fistfulls of grass, and I asked her  if she liked to read, and she said "No, but there are books that I love love love," she said  it  just like that three times, "Do you like to dance?" she asked, "Do you like to swim?"I asked, we looked at each other until it felt like everything would burst into flames....................she wants to know if I love her, that's all anyone wants from anyone else, not love itself but the knowledge that love is there, like new batteries in the flashlight in the emergency kit in the hall closet.."

Anymore

I know I have my faults, but what is making this easier is realizing yours. You didn't want the curtains to let in the morning light, and I did. You didn't get excited by the live concerts and shows, and I did. You didn't want to go on walks towards the sunsets, and I did. You didn't care about the subtle sweet things, and I did. You didn't realize how much beauty there was around us, and I did. You didn't even want to be together in the first place, and I did.  And I know you didn't want us to stop talking, but I did. But I didn't want to be let go of, and you did.  

So here we are. 

I'm shedding everything and doing the best I can inch by inch; the winter was long and I just have a lot of layers to get through down to my skin and bones, and tissues and organs. You've taken a lot out of me, but my vessels are still intact, my blood is still flowing, and my cells are still multiplying. I'm still alive. 

Things

Things I hate: 

- the person playing flute somewhere in this building that's leaking to the outside air and making me want to close my windows but the breeze is too nice to give up. Seriously though, who plays flute anymore? 

-the angry taxi cab men outside- why are they always yelling at each other? I like that they are all friends though and it's prob nice to be able to speak together in their language so far away from home

-all this never ending studying; but I know it'll pay off, it's just hard to get through all this material that they expect you have committed to your memory

Things I like:

-my guitar teacher and when he goes off and just plays for like 5 min without even realizing it but he's too in the groove for me to stop him. I wish we could hang out as buds. 

-making plans for the future

-people who actually like their job and provide so sweet customer service like the friendly guy in Johnie's and the hot girl in the  liquor store :) 

-ffffound and all the cute little sayings and fun pics to click on

Things I need:

-fruit

-a bangin body- I'm starting to go to the gym but I hate it in there and the people that go. I just like to find the machines way off in the corner where no one goes. 

-sex 

Things I wish for:

-for people to stop talking about the swine flu 

-get super awesome at guitar and attract people with my skills

-world peace 

May Day

It's the beginning of a new month and it's almost mid year. It feels somewhat refreshing but also so fleeting. A lot is going on right now and as the seasons progress, everything around me changes. 

I know there are much more important matters in this world to be concerned with as compared to how emo I feel right now. But I just need to express myself on here. I know that pretty much Allison is the only one that reads this and I will probably end up making this private but I just have a feeling of wanting to be exposed right now. 

The thought of you kills me. It claws at my stomach, racks at my brain, tears at my heart, and I can't breath. All I can think about is you and him. And what is it like between you two. If you laugh at all his jokes, if you've gotten past the point of not spending the night and actually end up staying the whole weekend at his place, if you lie tangled in bed in the morning talking about your favorite things. And I think about how all that used to be me and I know I will never get it back, and again, it kills me. I want to know if he brings a smile to your face when you think of him, if you write him cute text messages during the work day, if he is all you want to spend your time with, if you think he is amazing. And I want to know how often you think of me, and what do you think about. Do you miss me? Do you worry that I can't make it without you? Do you think that I will come out of this "phase" and that it will get better between us? Or do you think that I just try to hide all this pain and emotion and submerge myself into a world without you so that I can forget everything I ever knew and you'll try to keep yourself in the door but eventually you'll get tired of your repeated efforts only to just get everything thrown everything back in your face? If you thought the last one, you know me better than I give you credit for. I am trying to forget you but it is so hard. If I could just forget what it was like to hold your hand, to kiss your lips, to hear your laugh, to know you were mine, then all this killing would go away and I would be able to breath again. But the greatest downfall as well as the greatest gift of the human mind is that you can't forget. Even when I will overcome these feelings and I wish for these memories to wash away and these truths no longer bear significance, I hope I can at least remember the all encompassing desire I had for you and that feeling of falling into a neverending darkness but knowing you would be my light. It will have been worth it if I can remember that.

Funknee

Haha I can't stop laughing at this.

Musical Bliss Part Deux

Wow. Last night was amazing. Toubab Krewe and State Radio. I litchereally loved every single part of it (except actually the two ridiculously annoying drama queens standing in front of me causing a rucus and who really just needed to leave. But it's been forgotten). The venue had an amazing ambience to it and even though we were standing on the side we were so close. And I like standing right up front right next to the speakers so you can feel the vibrations through your body. It was just a good time watching these bands and listening to their incredible music. I am so astounded by how much talent these people have I can't even take it. It is so beautiful to watch how it all comes together and they make it look so easy.

I was feeling skeptical at first about this concert just because I feel like so many people don't understand what the artist is trying to convey, including myself. But I figured that it's okay if people still appreciate music and their cause without entirely knowing the true meaning because that's the beauty of music and any other uniting agent, just bringing so many different kinds of people together to just have a good time and hopefully some sort of understanding/appreciation will be achieved even if it's not in its entirety.

Can't even wait for tomorrow night! I wished I lived at the House of Blues.


Addendum:

I am so high right now.
My voice is gone and my throat is itchy.
My ears are ringing and all I can hear is the guitar notes playing over and over in my head.
My feet ache and I smell.
I'm full up with 7-11 chili dogs and over sugary slurpies.

Live music and concerts is what I live for.

Heavy Boots

I have a pit in my stomach the size of a basketball. And I am looking to rebound so hard right now. Where oh where can I find my subject of manipulation? I know how terrible that sounds. I'm not really looking to do that to anyone. That's extremely rude and not to mention self depricating. But just someone to get my mind off of this fucking bullshit. I know it's not the only solution, but why does it feel like it's at least a good one??

In other news, I really like the Doppler Effect. I was watching the trains go by last night, wanting to take away the silence that filled the apartment. And I like how it's something you can except when you hear its sound off in the distance. Coming closer and closer. And how it stops for you to jump on the journey, and heads off and takes you, even if it's only for a couple of seconds till you can no longer hear it anymore. And you're back in silence again until the next thing that comes along.

hot

It's been agreed, the the whole world stinks
So no one's taking showers anymore.

Truth, Modest Mouse, truth.

Untitled

I just want to wrap myself up in music and movies and podcasts and things that make you escape into an abyss of no thinking and no feeling and no one can find you, not even yourself. But I guess that's not really a sustainable way of life, because wouldn't more people be doing it if they could? Maybe some people have but there just aren't enough abysses left anymore. Or maybe they are stopped before they can get there. Or really there isn't anywhere to go. You can go as far as you can till the end of the earth but eventually you'll just wrap back around to where you started from.

It's pretty cold again today. Just when the sun comes out and you feel like you can trust mother nature, she pulls a fast one on you again. But it is kind of cool how there is a gradual transition into the seasons where on a cold day you have the remnants and the memories of the winter time mixed with warm days that hold the promises of the future of spring and summer. People need time to adjust, we're not really made to mold ourselves so quickly. Everything takes so much time.

Only just a little bit more to get through. I just have to hold myself up.

Sopping Wet

Geez. Thank heavens we are not made of sugar. Rain isn't so bad. It's actually kind of nice. Plus, I'm an Aquarius, the Water Bearer, so I should like this stuff. Right?

It's funny to see how empty it gets outside when it rains. I suppose people don't like to be wet. But it really brings out those tough enough. Or at least those who have to get somewhere. I like riding on my bike though in the rain, even if my butt gets completely soaked down to my unmentionables and my hands become unbearably numb. I like to ride past other bikers and I like to think that we're thinking the same thing and if people weren't so strange we could say something in passing like "Oh man. It's sure is raining cats out here." I guess people don't really talk like that so maybe something like "At least we don't have to walk."

I like when the rain accumulates slowly into my shoes and I can feel it fill up with water like the Titanic. And my pants get heavier and colder as I ride. And it's only a mystery to see what I find salvagable in my book bag once I get home.

I'm annoyed with how much people care about "the Sox". I mean I guess it is kind of a cool thing that so many people can be united by one love, but it's like honestly, who cares if it rained today and they couldn't play and you couldn't go to the bar and watch it on tv? I guess I just don't understand the novelty of it. Sorry.

Song of Autumn in the Springtime

Juventud, divino tesoro,
¡ya te vas para no volver!
Cuando quiero llorar, no lloro...
y a veces lloro sin querer...

Rubén Darío
(Canción de otoño en primavera)

Someday

Alli's performance yesterday was great. Woo Allison!

Also, I really have a crush on the guitar player from yesterday. I wish for someday to find someone who will want to pick up their guitar and never stop playing because of me. I want them to take me with them wherever they go.

Oy. I am so wishy-washy sometimes I just wish I could get out of my head and out of this alternate world full of gushing love and overly sentimental feelings. But then again it's my favorite thing to indulge in and plus there so much worse things to indulge in.

I can't believe there are only 2 weeks left of school this semester. It's going to be rough. But the thoughts of summer are what keep my going. I can't wait. The sun will come out and the grass will grow green and she'll come back and it will be lovely.

Beginning of the end

Tonight is my last MCAT class. Ever. I've been in it since October. I hate that I haven't really retained much and I haven't been keeping up with the work.

Starting this weekend I am seriously going to hunker down and put everything I have into this shit. It's all I could ever want.

Inspire Me

"After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning, and company doesn't mean security. And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts, and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open- with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child. And you learn to build all your roads on today, because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure...that you really are strong, and you really do have worth, and you learn and learn...with every goodbye you learn."

-Veronica Shoffstall 1971-

Para empezar

I'm really into Spanglish these days. I should probably stop because it really serves no purpose in the English or Spanish world.

So I'm starting this blog because my good friend Alli has encouraged me to. I used to have one in highschool, one of those emo ones, like livejournal or something. But it was too much work to keep up with.

I'm probably going to bad at keeping up with this thing since I'm not going to write things of real significance on here. That's what you have a real journal for! A dur.

Andres left this morning and I kind of miss him. I wish he was my brother since he is expontentially cooler than the existing one I have. Maybe I'll try to get my parents to adopt him.


Okay, well this will be fun.