May Day

It's the beginning of a new month and it's almost mid year. It feels somewhat refreshing but also so fleeting. A lot is going on right now and as the seasons progress, everything around me changes. 

I know there are much more important matters in this world to be concerned with as compared to how emo I feel right now. But I just need to express myself on here. I know that pretty much Allison is the only one that reads this and I will probably end up making this private but I just have a feeling of wanting to be exposed right now. 

The thought of you kills me. It claws at my stomach, racks at my brain, tears at my heart, and I can't breath. All I can think about is you and him. And what is it like between you two. If you laugh at all his jokes, if you've gotten past the point of not spending the night and actually end up staying the whole weekend at his place, if you lie tangled in bed in the morning talking about your favorite things. And I think about how all that used to be me and I know I will never get it back, and again, it kills me. I want to know if he brings a smile to your face when you think of him, if you write him cute text messages during the work day, if he is all you want to spend your time with, if you think he is amazing. And I want to know how often you think of me, and what do you think about. Do you miss me? Do you worry that I can't make it without you? Do you think that I will come out of this "phase" and that it will get better between us? Or do you think that I just try to hide all this pain and emotion and submerge myself into a world without you so that I can forget everything I ever knew and you'll try to keep yourself in the door but eventually you'll get tired of your repeated efforts only to just get everything thrown everything back in your face? If you thought the last one, you know me better than I give you credit for. I am trying to forget you but it is so hard. If I could just forget what it was like to hold your hand, to kiss your lips, to hear your laugh, to know you were mine, then all this killing would go away and I would be able to breath again. But the greatest downfall as well as the greatest gift of the human mind is that you can't forget. Even when I will overcome these feelings and I wish for these memories to wash away and these truths no longer bear significance, I hope I can at least remember the all encompassing desire I had for you and that feeling of falling into a neverending darkness but knowing you would be my light. It will have been worth it if I can remember that.